McDonnell in Paradise Section

In life, I have two goals (that's one more than Djibril Cisse), to see world peace in my lifetime and to make a consistent profit on football betting. Unfortunately, only one of my goals is achievable.

"451 and 433 are not just the most common answers in the "Guess the age of Wayne Rooney's next female companion" competition."

World peace moved a step closer this week as Arsene Wenger offered Alex Ferguson an olive branch(he ran out of soup and pizza). The Arsenal manager slammed the supporters who booed Sir Alex off the pitch last weekend, in a show of support for his old nemesis.

The Scot's diminishing popularity is due to the team's formation, 451 and 433 are not just the most common answers in the "Guess the age of Wayne Rooney's next female companion" competition, they're also the source of the United supporters' frustration.

A midweek win in Europe silenced the critics and a return to form against Fulham will put the issue to sleep. The United manager will not be booed this weekend, although it's a fair possibility that he'll be hissed at some stage. Back Man U at 4/7 to return to winning ways.

The Liverpool v Chelsea clash looks good on paper, but on closer inspection, a dull game is the probable outcome. Liverpool have played four matches against decent opposition; away to Spurs and Boro, and home clashes with Man U and Chelsea, all four finished goalless. Tip of the week? You can't spell Liverpool without two O's. Get on the goalless draw at 8/1.

"Tip of the week? You can't spell Liverpool without two O's. Get on the goalless draw at 8/1."

Alain Perrin's tenure at Fratton Park appears to be drawing to a close.
It's bad enough when you haven't won a home match all season, but sarcastically clapping a referee because you saw Wayne Rooney do it on the telly is unforgivable.

Pompey did well to draw both matches against Newcastle last season, Steve Stone snatched an equaliser in both games. Sharon Stone would struggle to score this time around. Back the Geordies to increase Perrin's pain at 5/4.

Everton play Manchester City this weekend, a team they completed the double over last season with Tim Cahill scoring in both matches. Kate Moss scores more than Cahill now; get on Man City at 8/11.

Chelsea are officially The Beat Alls; the following musical specials are all available at Super Soccer.

"The Beat Alls" - Chelsea to score three or more goals 9/2
"Simply Red" - Paul Scholes to score; Man Utd to win 1-0 45/1
"Cole Play" - Andy and Ashley Cole both to score 22/1
"Aswad" - Rio Ferdinand to score at anytime 12/1
"Chubby Checker" - Wayne Rooney and Milan Baros both to score 5/1
"Fairground Attraction" - Robbie Savage to score at any time 4/1
"Musical Diouf" - El Hadji Diouf to score two or more goals 8/1
"The Cardigans" - Teddy Sheringham and Andy Cole both to score 6/1
"Shaggy" - Wayne Rooney to score a hat-trick 16/1
"The Red Hot Willy Peppers" - Gallas to score at any time 10/1

"'Chubby Checker' - Wayne Rooney and Milan Baros both to score 5/1"

Most promising innovation of the week:

If you win by three clear goals, you receive an extra point. Arsene Wenger knows his tomatoes.

"'The Gargoyle's not gargling.'
Gary Lineker has a go at Steve Bruce's acting skills and questionable appearance in just four words."

Least promising innovation of the week:

Salary capping. Modern day footballers will never accept headgear as payment.

Quote of the week:

"The Gargoyle's not gargling."
Gary Lineker has a go at Steve Bruce's acting skills and questionable appearance in just four words. Well done.

Stat, you're a liberty:

Charlton have found the net 10 times this season; 90 % have been scored away from home.

Acc of the week:

Blackburn
Man Utd
Newcastle
Man City
Aston Villa

The five fold pays over 20/1

Weekend Betting:

Blackburn v West Brom
Saturday 1st October 15.00

Blackburn 8/11
Draw 9/4
West Brom 10/3

Get on: Blackburn

If Blackburn can win at Old Trafford, the Baggies will be easy pickings.
The last six matches between the two have produced two goals or less, it'll be a comfortable 1-0 win.

Match Special:
Blackburn to win 1-0 6/1

Charlton v Tottenham
Saturday 1st October 15.00

Charlton 7/5
Draw 11/5
Tottenham 8/5

Get on: Draw

Tottenham have always either won or lost at the Valley in the Premiership, a draw is overdue.

Match Special:
Match to finish 1-1 11/2

Fulham v Man Utd
Saturday 1st October
15.00

Fulham 4/1
Draw 13/5
Man Utd 4/7

Get on: Man Utd

Surprisingly, United have been held to a 1-1 draw for the last three seasons away at Fulham. Rooney will start this one, (the match, not the
ruck,) United will win.

Match Special:
Man Utd to score four or more goals 11/2

Portsmouth v Newcastle
Saturday 1st October 15.00

Portsmouth 7/4
Draw 9/4
Newcastle 5/4

Get on: Newcastle

Pompey are three without a win; the Geordies three without defeat - get on the Toon Army at 5/4.

Match Special:
Michael Owen to score two or more goals 9/2

Sunderland v West Ham
Saturday 1st October 17.15
Live on PPV

Sunderland 7/5
Draw 11/5
West Ham 8/5

Get on: Draw

Marlon Harewood scored in both matches against Sunderland in the Championship last season. There's every chance he can net another one.

Match Special:
Harewood to score the first goal 5/1

Man City v Everton
Sunday 2nd October
11.15 Live on PPV

Man City 8/11
Draw 9/4
Everton 10/3

Get on: Man City

Four games without a win for City now, it's a good job they're playing Everton.

Match Special:
Man City to win 1-0 6/1

Wigan v Bolton
Sunday 2nd October 13.00

Wigan 6/4
Draw 11/5
Bolton 6/4

Get on: Draw

Bolton have not conceded a goal from open play in their last five matches, Big Sam's men will consolidate their Champions League position.

Match Special:
Bolton to keep a clean sheet 15/8

Arsenal v Birmingham
Sunday 2nd October 13.30
Live on Sky

Arsenal 2/7
Draw 7/2
Birmingham 8/1

Get on: Arsenal

The Blues have only managed to score in one of their last eight matches against the Arsenal. The Gunners are absolutely nailed on.

Match Special:
Arsenal to score five or more goals 7/1

Aston Villa v Middlesbrough
Sunday 2nd October 14.00

Aston Villa Evs
Draw 9/4
Middlesbrough 9/4

Get on: Aston Villa

Aston Villa are averaging 4.5 goals scored a game. (Last 2 games only.) Villa always score against Boro. (Nine goals in their last five
matches.) I suffer from bracket over-use. (3 cases.)

Match Special:
Villa to score three or more goals 4/1

Liverpool v Chelsea
Sunday 2nd October
16.00 Live on Sky

Liverpool 9/5
Draw 9/4
Chelsea 6/5

Get on: Draw. Goalless.

Match Special:
No goal scorer in the match 8/1