European teams make up the bulk of the world cup line-up. This is good, as no one else other than the South Americans can play football.
Europe won't provide the winner, but in all likelihood, it will provide the Golden Boot winner, a certain Mr Peter Crouch. Watching him score in a variety of amusing ways, the likes of which the world cup has never before been graced with, will be as sweet a sight as an Arsenal fan in floods of tears.
ENGLAND
Odds: 8/1
Star players: A cripple, a child, a thief and a giant. We can't lose.
Chances? Even with Wayne Rooney currently possessing only one operational leg, and with our secret weapon having played all of 12 minutes for a 'transitional' second-division side, (during which he covered 13 miles and scored 25 goals), England have a formidable line-up. It being world-cup year, optimism demands that within the next month, Lampard and Gerrard will learn to play together, Crouch will learn to jump and Rooney will learn to read. There's even evidence that since getting the boot, Sven looks to have learnt what 'imagination' is all about.
It all looks simple enough in the first two rounds, leading to a likely quarter-final against the Argentines. Marvellous. They're rubbish against children.
Out to Brazil in the semis.
FACT: Theo Walcott's thighs are wider than Jermaine Jenas's head.
GERMANY
Odds: 8/1
Star players: Michael Ballack and the kid with the mullet.
Chances? Germany qualified as hosts, which was somewhat unfortunate, as the team possesses all of 30 caps between them. Klinsmann has got the side playing in the way you'd expect of him—goals galore at each end. Germany should have less trouble getting out of their group than their fans will have staying out of trouble when they play Poland. Home advantage should also see them past Sweden in the second round, before they’re routed by the Dutch in the quarters.
FACT: German players have all vowed to wear comedy Hasselhoff chest-wigs if they get to the final.
DON'T: Write them off.
ITALY
Odds: 9/1
Star players: Luca Toni, Allesandro Del Piero, Francesco Totti, Christian Vieri (if fit) and the defence, generally.
Chances? As ever, Italy qualified conservatively, too laid-back to really bother turning it on in a weak group. With Lippi in charge, the world's most experience defence sitting in front of its best goalkeeper, and an array of attacking options that allows for half of them to slack off when they feel like it, Italy could do very well. We'll learn a lot more from the group stage, where they have to play both the Czechs and the Americans and where coming second means playing Brazil in the second round. If they avoid that, they could easily find themselves in the semis.
FACT: The team's hairdresser is the highest-paid man in the squad.
FRANCE
Odds: 14/1
Star players: The usual suspects, only a bit older than usual.
Chances? France had to drag players out of retirement to get to Germany. It worked, but that was against Israel and Ireland. The world cup will show a team too old and too tired to go further than the quarters. After getting through an easy group, they may even be shocked by Ukraine in the second round. Always bear in mind that Djibril Cisse was their top scorer in qualifying.
FACT: Coach Raymond Domenech is a keen thespian and believer in astrology, so expect some extravagantly phrased exotic excuses when France crash out early on.
HOLLAND
Odds: 15/1
Star players: Ruud, and a bunch of kids no one's heard of (yet).
Chances? Since football-genius and best-centre-forward-ever Marco van Basten took over the Dutch team, they've been playing some wonderful stuff. Critics were sceptical when he introduced some unknown teenagers into the squad, but soon shut up when they realised that the kids were a bit of alright. Great in goal, solid and creative in midfield, and fearsome up front. Should top their group ahead of Argentina, and provided they don't end up in a penalty shoot-out along the way, have a great chance of making the final.
FACT: Marco van Basten knows more about football than you.
SPAIN
Odds: 16/1
Star players: Raul is still God to these people, but Torres is arguably more dangerous.
Chances? Spain? In a major tournament? Yeah, right. It doesn’t matter how good Spain's team is, if they don't bugger it up themselves, the ref will do it for them. Even assuming they don't screw up their simple group and their simpler second-round opponents, they're on course to meet Brazil in the quarters.
FACT: Being a Spain fan is officially the most depressing thing in the world.
PORTUGAL
Odds: 25/1
Star players: Christiano Ronaldo always plays better for Portugal than he does for Man Utd. He's odds-on to score 10 against Angola.
Chances? It's hard to know what to make of the current Portuguese side. They qualified without losing a game, and stuck seven past Russia in one of the most dominant performances of recent years. They have skills aplenty and no trouble scoring goals. Pauleta, despite actually being rubbish, has just overtaken Eusebio's 41 goals for his country. Potentially tricky second-round tie against the Argentines accounts for their high odds, but if they get past them, it's England. They're rather good against England.
FACT: In Portugal, Benfica's victory over Manchester United is still the main item on the news.
CZECH REPUBLIC
Odds: 33/1
Star players: Rosicky, Nedved (if he goes), Baros, Koller, Cech
Chances? The Czechs didn't qualify as easily as they normally do, but that was because they had to play a rejuvenated Holland. In the toughest group with Italy and the USA, the Czechs will do well to finish second. Unfortunately, that means playing Brazil. They might have to forget about this one.
FACT: Jan Koller once tried to sneak into Pavel Nedved's room at night and steal his hair. However, he banged his head on the doorframe on the way in and knocked himself out.
SWEDEN
Odds: 45/1
Star players: Ibrahimovic, Larsson, Ulrika Jonsson
Chances? As every England fan knows, the Swedes are irritatingly good at football. This is despite their captain being an Aston Villa player. Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one of the best strikers in the world and should be good enough on his won to see Sweden through second in the group (probably). That would leave them playing the Germans (probably). Who they could beat (probably). They won't win any more though (probably).
FACT: Olof Mellberg warms up for games by getting the rest of the team to pelt him with woodland creatures.
UKRAINE
Odds: 66/1
Star players: Andrei 'I hate Jerzy Dudek' Shevchenko
Chances? If it wasn't for the possible link-up of Rebrov and Shevchenko, Ukraine would be the dullest team in the tournament. Too good to be comically poor, and not good enough to get at all excited about. They might beat Spain, however, which would be funny.
FACT: Ukraine were the first European team to qualify for the finals, on account of their season ending three years before everyone else's.
CROATIA
Odds: 85/1
Star players: Dado Prso, oddly.
Chances? Another of the hard-to-beat-could-cause-an-upset club: team with tight defence, a bit of a spark up front and not much else besides. Expect lots of low-scoring games and a scrap with Japan and the Aussies for second place in the group.
FACT: Dado Prso's accent has become Scottified. His team no longer talk to him.
SERBIA & MONTENEGRO
Odds: 100/1
Star players: Mateja 'awesome everywhere but Chelsea' Kezman
Chances? One of their players is 6'8". They only conceded one goal in qualifying, against Spain, along the way setting a new world record for consecutive clean-sheets in world cup qualifying – seven. I know nothing about Serbia & Montenegro. That's okay, however, because they're in Holland and Argentina's group, so are going home early.
FACT: Jokes about Serbia & Montenegro's shortened form being S&M are too easy.
POLAND
Odds: 125/1
Star players: Celtic's Maciej Zurawski.
Chances? One of their players is 6'8". They only conceded one goal in qualifying, against Spain, along the way setting a new world record for consecutive clean-sheets in world cup qualifying – seven. I know nothing about Serbia & Montenegro. That's okay, however, because they're in Holland and Argentina's group, so are going home early.
FACT: World cup commentators held an arm-wrestling competition, with the loser having to commentate on Poland's team of unpronounceables. Clive Tyldesley lost.
SWITZERLAND
Odds: 150/1
Star players: Phillippe Senderos is the only one that British TV will bother showing much of.
Chances? Who cares?
FACT: Other than its scenery, there is no reason for Switzerland to exist.
BBC
